Every day on the Nigerian Internet, there are people who keep our eyes glued to our phone screens as we read their rants, opinions, perspectives on political and social issues, etc. Sometimes, they are just downright ridiculous. We make it our job to take down the names of these noisemakers.

Here are the ones we saw today:

If I go to South Africa and don’t come back, you already know what killed me

— Olanrewaju (@Olanrewaju_Max) May 24, 2019

Philanderer.

Ordered food for the weekend from a restaurant yesterday and they sent a Nigerian uncle to come deliver the food to me.

He looked at me, asked if I was Nigerian, I said yes and proceeded to tell me I should learn to cook. I’ve reported to the restaurant.

— Moe (@Mochievous) May 24, 2019

Nigerian men are just dumb.

Why are Nigerian names gendered? Was it always the case precolonialism? Why is Ngozi mostly for women? It really means blessing or a man cannot be a blessing? Why is Emeka reserved for men? We cannot be grateful to god for a daughter?

— ThatPortharcourtBoy (@ThatPHCBoy) May 24, 2019

Welcome to the Patriarchy.

Resignation from office is one colonial trait Nigerian rulers didn’t latch unto after independence from Britain. Every other “master’s” habits – from election rigging to maniacal corruption to power manipulation to human rights abuse, the colonial umbilical cord is intact!

— victor ehikhamenor (@victorsozaboy) May 24, 2019

DEEP

The easiest way for me to attain an orgasm is by squeezing my thighs together. Most times I place my hand in the middle to intensify the muscles. I 10/10 would recommend.

— Nerve Bender (@okemzuruoke) May 24, 2019

Jesus is Lord.