by ‘Yomi Kazeem
The following took place in the mind of a young Nigerian between 11:00pm and 12:00pm.
My fellow Nigerians, the time has once again come to take steps towards engineering a progression of our nascent democracy. I, being the General Commandant-In Chief of Armed Forces, have looked far and wide searching for ministers and it is my pleasure to tell you that I have identified quite a few excellently qualified individuals. As was done in the time of Baba OBJ, we shall optimize the usage of technocrats and able-bodied and intellectually sound people in various departments, all these losers at the elections disturbing me are simply wasting their time, is it my fault that they lost? Now, they are giving me the kind of headache that makes aspirin sell. Nonsense! Rubbish! It’s time to get it right. So, my dear Nigerians, here are my ministers.
For the Ministry of Defence, we have none other than BASH ALLI. He is the best candidate for the job as he will deal with all threats to our sovereignty- internal and external just as he did his opponents in the ring. The man is a fighter, all this Boko Haram people are in trouble because, Bash will punch them in Round 1, kill them in Round 2, and knock them out in Round 3. He has already told me he doesn’t need all the luxuries afforded ministers, all he has requested to fulfill his duties as Minister of Defence are a pair of boxing gloves and a punching bag. Nigerians, we shall once again herald the golden days when our nation was safe. Bash is the perfect epitome of an old soldier that never dies, and that is exactly what we need to win any war- a soldier that never dies, get the drift? Shebi, I told you I’ll deal with Boko Haram? Oya BASH, Round 1, fight!!!
For the Ministry of Petroleum Resources, we will need a man with the fear of God in his heart because oil money is tempting money. Oil money can intoxicate anyone and can turn the pope into a sinner. It has been the source of our livelihood but the coffers of this ministry have been plundered with repetitive impunity, so now we have to end that trend. Nigerians, let somebody shout Hallelujah as we welcome our ‘daddy’, Pastor E.A Adeboye, the new minister of Petroleum. With ‘Daddy G.O’ at the helms of affairs, fuel scarcity will never last too long because weeping may last for a night but fuel cometh in the morning. Anyone who steals a penny shall be consumed by the wrath of heaven because darkness and light cannot mix. Our fuel will flow like milk and honey and it shall be well with us! Who knows, maybe, he can turn water into fuel!
The Ministry of Justice is a cardinal component of the machinery of government, because it is the conduit for the transmission of law and order. The minister must be a fearless man, he must be able to look death in the eye and not be scared. He must, without batting eyelids, throw corrupt and thieving politicians into prison; he must be a man of the people, a man who makes others shudder at the sound of his voice. Where will I find such a man, I asked myself and then it dawned on me, we need to re-awaken the spirit of the late CHIEF GANI FAWEHINMI (SAN). He has the experience, knowledge, temperament and skill, besides who can bribe a dead man! Corrupt Politicians are in soup, I give you GANI, the best of both worlds!
Another ministry that has given me sleepless nights is the Ministry of Power. Should I hire witches and wizards? Should I put another pastor there? Should I hire one of those people with long CV’s and suits? Or should I just let it be? Well, the answer hasn’t come to me yet. So for the meantime, let’s bone that side. Keep on servicing your generators, do not throw them away, you’ll still need them.
You see, the women are a very delicate part of this nation, they can do and undo! So we need a person who is vastly experienced with unmatched expertise to handle our womenfolk. In other to avoid an implication, I have chosen Innocent Idibia- the 5- star general. Newspapers, magazines, and blogs attest to his prowess because, no be small thing. This guy is just the best, suffice to say, our women are in good hands. Tuface Idibia for Minister for Women Affairs- signed and dusted.
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs is overrated. I have seen, on my many travels, how these oyinbo people blow grammar like no man’s business all in the name of foreign affairs. But they cannot outdo me. Warri no dey carry last, I will give them fire for fire! Okotie! Where are you? Oya enter plane and go to the U.N! Shebi, they want grammar? They shall have it in full, na today all their dictionary go spoil. I trust Chris, when he starts with his ‘epitomization of crystallization of the apocalypse’ kind of grammar, they will beg me to withdraw him.
Before the women start screaming blue murder, I have to pick one of them for a post, let me see…Ok! Nigerians, I hereby choose, Patience to be my Minister of Communication, Information and anything that has to do with talking. She’s the most popular talker in the country, when she talks; everyone likes to hear what she has to say. Even after she has said it, people still write about it for days on end. Thus, she has proven her mettle as someone capable of captivating your attention and now you can all look forward to more declarations from Patience as she begins her tenure as Minister of Communication and Information.
Also to appease the youth, I have decided that the Minister of Youth and Development will be one of their own. I have been tracking this person that I chose for the post. He’s a darling to the women and men, when he is sitting in the corner, nobody dulls. WIZKID, our own Justin Beiber, although he may be using football age, he already knows bad guys and that is important for a minister! So, when you see the minister drive by, holla at your boy!
And finally, our most delicate Ministry, the Ministry of Finance. Hmm, you see PhD holders like me are very smart people, so I have connived with me and myself to blackmail this man that I have appointed. No Nigerian can absolve himself of stealing money if affixed in a position of wealth such as this post so, I have chosen a man who doesn’t have to steal money; he already has too much, more than the country sef! Aliko Dangote will be the new Minister for Finance, reportedly the richest ‘big man’ in Africa (they didn’t check our Maradona’s account o! don’t mind them), Dangote will have no cause to steal, in fact this is a masterstroke as we will be killing two birds with one catapult! Aliko is already stupendously wealthy, he cannot concern himself with playing with the coins in our account and also when we are broke, a perpetual happenstance, he can easily lend us money without even feeling it! I am impressed with myself! This is genius, soon that tall black boy in the White House will soon copy me and appoint Bill Gates! But not to worry, if it is not panadol, it can never be like panadol!
My dear country people, these posts have been adequately taken care of, so now allow me share the rest among my PDP people so they’ll let me run for 2nd term. Biko, Please! That is all for now, I have to take a break to fuel in the generator. Thank you and God bless.
National Anthem fades off….