By Kiki O.

“I take certain risks yet it still falls within the precincts of convention.”

The first time I fell in love, I was twelve and the girl, she was twelve too. I loved the hell out of her. I could do anything for her and I did.

She was charismatic, very pretty and had a rather impressive breast size for a girl her age.

The other girls laughed at me, they said I acted like we were a couple because of the way I pleaded for mercy whenever we had a fight. They never made fun of her though, she was Miss popular and I was a nerd.

We were little girls then and it was cute but when I turned nineteen and was still in love with her, not so much. She rejected me, even stopped being my friend because of some guy, it broke my heart for the very first time.

To be fair, she never really knew that I loved her. Probably I was just some overly clingy friend to her but to be, it was love. I knew her smell, could draw a picture of her hands and feet and then her breasts- I can still describe the way they feel even if I never cuddled them.

Somehow, I’m thankful in a way that I never openly professed my love for her- our friendship would have ended way sooner than it did. I would not just have been the clingy friend; I would have become the clingy weird lesbian “girl”. It would have been devastating for me.

Well that was a lesson I never really had to learn by experience but nonetheless, I never poured out my heart to any other female lover.  I have been forced to hide the real extent of my feelings for any of them for fear of being labelled and even ousted. You know what it’s like here… as they say, “This is Nigeria.”

If we ever discussed same sex love it would only be to say how disgusting it was or talk about how this musician or actress is a lesbian. And then I suppose among my “crazier” friends, it would just be described as some experiment we would love to try out. Then again, I come from a conservative background, I am one of those people who love to live according to conventions even though from time to time, I take certain risks yet it still falls within the precincts of “convention.”

I have been “single” all my adult life- I am in my early thirties- and have matured a great deal in dealing with my lifestyle. I have come to terms with who I am. I have also gained confidence enough to try to step beyond those boundaries which a “bigoted” society has created for me.

I am still yet to come out fully from the closest but once in a while when I meet a girl I like, I tell her I am interested. Unfortunately, I fall for pseudo-ultra conservative chicks like me who insist on living a lie but we get by. I have however stopped pretending that I am crazy about boys or that I am really bothered that I don’t have a boyfriend or even by the fact that boys find my personality to come off quite strong.  Hey, I have come this far on my own and I am doing well for myself so you can go screw yourself– that’s the mentality I adopt these days.

Still, about emblazoning the word Lesbian on my chest and going round with two middle fingers in the air to a silly world that really does not give a fart about me is something I may never do (unless it really calls for it) mostly because I hate drawing attention to myself.

I am gay and though some hypocrites and close-minded folks would love to judge, it is really none of their business. I do not have to explain myself to you but I would fight for my right to be left in peace to love whoever I want to love. I also think I am allowed to discuss the difficulties and triumphs of gay love in a blog just like you heteros love to do. And hopefully, like-minded folks would chip in some few words at the end of each post and those of you who would like to crucify us can add your own filth too.

So welcome to Kiki’s Diary. Hope you stick around because I plan to.

Kiki Smiles