One Twitter user, Diary of a 9ja Girl, did a Twitter thread, and a conversation has started on what defines a successful marriage.
She argues that women are the drivers of most marriages in Africa and that a successful marriage is defined by duration. She says happiness should be the yardstick to define a successful marriage.
The users also says many marriages in Africa are disadvantageous to the women folk.
Even a rusty coin has two sides, but we may be looking at the argument from personal experiences, stories from people close to us, and movies; in the process, we may miss the point.
What is marriage?
For inclusion, the United Nations defined a marriage a union of partners. Merriam Webster says marriage is, “the relationship that exists between two people who are united as spouses : the state of being married.”
The conversation?
- The length of a marriage is the yardstick to define its success.
- Marriages in Africa – Nigeria as case study – are usually driven by women.
- Happiness is the key ingredient to define a successful marriage.
The first argument says that if a marriage lasts long, like 30 – 60 years, it is a successful marriage. This is hinged on the fact that long-lasting marriages are where the spouses fully understand themselves and respect each other. Opponents say that spouses of many marriages that last long cannot think of good memories as much as they think of bad memories.
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The second argument says women are taught to ‘keep’ their marriages, notwithstanding the circumstances. So, women grow up internalising that they are the shepherds designed to keep the two-member flock together. In this case, they should forgive excesses, including domestic abuse and the absence of love in the mix. There may not be a counterargument to this.
The third argument says that without happiness, the marriage should end. So, if the marriage had lasted five years and the partners were happy during the time of the union, then it should be tagged successful. Opponents say that a short term marriage cannot be called successful. To further this, the counterargument says no partnership can happen without hitches, so the partners should be looking to solve their problems instead of giving up at the slightest quarrel.
In the religious sense, a marriage should last until death does them part. However, the contemporary religious practice leaves room for divorce when the marriage is not working. This change was caused by changes in human behaviour, beliefs, and personal preferences.
Happiness is not a constant. It is fleeting. It means that if we use happiness to define a successful marriage, we are towing a hypocritical pathway. Even love cannot keep a marriage for as long as we wish to.
Love is an ingredient but hardly lasts 40 years. It will be legendary to have two people love themselves for that long. Other ingredients include understanding, financial capacity, listening ears, personal fulfillment, and effective conflict resolution.
It means that we may not want to use happiness or length to define a successful marriage, even though we may disagree that a three-year marriage should even be part of the conversation.
When we define a successful marriage, we look at a couple who understand their flaws and shortcomings and can get through them. It is not where tolerance is the key ingredient, but where respect leads the conversation, coupled with the ability to differentiate which problems are solvable and vice versa.
A successful marriage involves an adequate dose of communication. During the communication periods, partners understand the problems and do something before it degenerates.
Yet, a marriage is a partnership, and the individuals involved – supposedly mentally-matured adults – understand what success is. So, their decision on the trajectory of the marriage is what we should use to define the success of the marriage.
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