by Abayomi G. Omotayo

 

Disclaimer: all characters appearing in this story are fictitious and a figment of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, real or dead is purely coincidental

 

In the Mostly Banana Republic of Naija, there is never a dull moment. One day, one drama, at least. The more you look, the less you see. Welcome to the land of the people of the Niger, where greater emphasis is often placed on the shadow while the substance is pushed to the shadows. After all, religious things derive their mystery and depth from their intangibility and Naijas are very religious and their leaders are deep. But whether in insight and foresight or cluelessness and ignorance, I cannot tell.

As usual, Aunty will not go over again the details of the story but will draw out lessons while also doing a recap. For the full story, please refer to Naija dailies and Naija twitter for latest updates. Today’s episode centres on two men Ali and Magu and the people’s assembly headed by Bukky. Before we go on, credit must be given to Bola who opened the people’s eyes and lessened their burdens of wasting so much vocal energy and mouth muscles by shortening Bukola to Bukky. This same ingenuity helped him lay a still enduring foundation to shore up Lasgidi’s community piggy bank while he was in charge of that colony. His trademark roundly framed spectacle lends credence to the bespectacled means brilliant stereotype. Never mind that in Naija Universities, there abound aplenty bespectacled Professors and Doctors with Nursery children mental capacity and academic soundness. Not to digress, that is a story for another day.

Okay children, (sorry, readers), let’s move on. Ali is the chief gatekeeper while Magu is the hunter of looters in the republic. Bukky and his gang are powerful because they make the laws of the republic even though they have become laws to themselves by not being transparent about the finances of the people’s assembly. OpenNASS is equal to Open ‘Yansh’ for Bukky and his gang. They are not foolish, they wouldn’t want to dig their own grave. Although the head of the republic determines who holds what position, in some instances, the final decision rests with Bukky and co. While Ali sits with his two buttocks over his official duties, Magu is sitting on just one buttock. President Bubu, the head of the republic who is famous for belonging to no one and belonging to everybody sent his name to Bukky and the gang to ratify his appointment but twice in a row and perhaps unprecedented, he was rejected.

Ali, on the other hand, was invited by Bukky and co over a policy that seems to be borne out of an analogue brain instead of digital brain (apologies to Mama Peace, the wife of our hero of corruption and of course, democracy too!). He was also instructed to come in his official gatekeeper uniform to the assembly; instead, he appeared in white apparel with a complementing white moustache as if he is an angel. This was offensive to Bukky and the gang. In their annoyance, they sent him back to reappear at another date with a warning that he must come in his official gatekeeper uniform this time. Interesting isn’t it? Now let’s move to the lessons.

 

Lesson One
Given the power to make the decision, a gang of rats will never allow a cat to be a hunter at all not to talk of being a chief hunter. They want a fellow rat. They are testing Bubu’s resolve. This sums up the drama between Magu and Bukky & co.

Lesson Two
The leadership of the republic is either clueless or potentially effective but actually confused and overwhelmed by the degree of brokenness of the system of the republic. If clueless, then cluelessness is no longer an exclusive preserve of Jona era but has assumed a trans-administration dimension. From Jona to Bubu. If confused, Bubu should take another break, not to London this time but the Bahamas. He needs peaceful scenery to engender a clear head to make fool proof decisions. The socio-political climate is perhaps too chaotic for him. How can the head of the republic send a nomination to the people’s assembly and they reject him twice? Were there no background checks before the nomination and shouldn’t the report have been made available to Bubu before forwarding Magu’s name. How can the secret police of the republic sabotage him incessantly? Are they no longer under his control?

Lesson Three
If you want to catch a monkey, behave like one. Ali went to the assembly in the in an all-white apparel. What is he trying to portray? Light in the midst of darkness? No subtlety on his part. He should have adorned himself in black, Bukky and his gang would have felt more comfortable. Decode that.

Lesson Four
The republic can never grow with outdated ideas. In this age and time, Ali and his team should have borrowed a digital brain for 21^st century compliant policy formulation. There is something called online payment and web portal. He would have avoided this brouhaha in the first instance.

Lesson Five
Give honour to whom honour is due and never attempt to share in a privilege purportedly not reserved for you. Bukky and the gang are masters of wearing starch satisfied, well-ironed kaftans and babarigas or agbadas, Ali just came from nowhere and started competing with them. What insolence! If he comes out of this ordeal unscathed, discretion should dictate to him to start wearing his gate keeper’s uniform or copy Adams of Edo style of dressing. At least it bears some semblance to the gate keeper’s uniform.

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Op–ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija

The author tweets @AbayomiGOmotayo