Somebody gag them, they need to shut it. Honestly
Arranged from least cringeworthy to most cringeworthy.
- ‘’If you get your wife through Facebook, you will lose her on YouTube’’- Pastor Enoch Adeboye
Daddy GO is ancient, and of another era. That is the only way we can explain this misreading of social media.
- ‘’It is a game’’- Big Brother Naija
This was a popular refrain from everyone involved in the second season of the ratings behemoth, Big Brother Naija. A feel good cop out, everyone from housemates to fans, used it whenever they were stuck for words. As though, mere mouthing them would excuse bad behaviour. How about taking responsibility for your actions?
- ‘’How can you imagine a 25-year-old person becoming a state governor and expect good positive administration?’’- Mallam Isah Abubakar Shuni.
The chairman of the Sokoto Chapter of the Nigerian Union of Journalists opposing the passage of the #NotTooYoungToRun bill. We are ashamed that this kind of foolish thinking masquerading as wisdom is still allowed to go down unchallenged. Shame on you Mallam.
- ‘’Tiwa Savage (hey baby, watch that growing fat around your waist and thigh), Tuface (thanks TuBaba but next time tell Annie to twerk for us – what was that!)’’– Reuben Abati’s entire Big Brother article.
Former presidential spokesperson, Reuben Abati has since returned to his column writing days but his output of recent has had us questioning not just his sanity but the legitimacy of his lengthy career. Abati’s intervention on the Big Brother Naija hurricane, circulated online as a lengthy, condescending, misogynistic piece of rubbish titled Big Brother Naija – Television as Madness was a disaster as line after line was filled with his disturbing cringeworthy thoughts. We shudder to even recall.
- ‘’You were so much in love with our client that you had to lick her body from her head to her toe (including her private part) each time you wanted to make love to her’’- Festus Keyamo Chambers
The Apostle Johnson Suleman-Stephanie Otobo saga entertained the nation for a brief spell and counsel for Ms Otobo, the stripper who accused the fiery pastor of promising her marriage and then discarding her like a toy fanned the flames with this snapshot of their healthy sexual appetites. Otobo demanded Apostle Suleman pay 500 million Naira for breach of promise. Never forget that a major law firm came up with this.
- ‘’When you force a Muslim to say he must plan for his children it means you force him to violate the rules of his religion.’’- Hon Gudaji Kazaure
People of Kazaure/Roni/Gwiwa/Yankwashi constituency in Jigawa State, please come and carry your lawmaker. He definitely needs some education on family planning and population control.
- ‘’When people talk about, “Are trans women women?” my feeling is trans women are trans women…I don’t think it’s a good thing to talk about women’s issues being exactly the same as the issues of trans women because I don’t think that’s true.’’- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
We love Chimamanda as much as the next person but her comments on the transgender debate in a Channel 4 interview, were not exactly expressed as eloquently as we all would have preferred. After the swift backlash, Adichie walked back her talk, expressing herself in more empathetic terms. She could blame the cannibalistic liberals all she can but this error was all hers.
- To all those having frightening dreams- “shot/beaten by police”. Pray to God not to allow it happen + avoid areas where police are responding to incidents in real life. If such dreams persist, GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. We only deal with real life police complaints’. – ACP Abayomi Shogunle
After Nigerians took to Twitter to detail abuse of power instances by officers of the Special Anti-Robbery Squad, Head of the Police Force’s Public Complaint Rapid Response Unit and an Assistant Commissioner of Police, Abayomi Shogunle decided this tone deafness was the best way to engage.
- People have turned away from God and He has promised that ‘if you do anyhow, you see anyhow,’ that is just the cause of this outbreak as far as I am concerned. There is no way fornication will be so rampant and God will not send a disease that cannot be cured.” – Abdulaziz Yari
People of Zamfara, the state worst hit by the last Meningitis crisis, this is how your Governor sought to explain the ill-preparedness of his administration to anticipate and meet the challenge head-on.
- “For the life of me, I have no idea why anybody would disrespect another by asking for the details of one’s health status. As we speak we have an acting president, as we speak, President Buhari seems to be like a private citizen at the moment. We have no right; it is very disrespectful for anyone to ask for his health status.’’- Lauretta Onochie
Personal Assistant to President Buhari on Social Media, Lauretta Onochie has a basket full of less than exemplary quotes but we shall just stick with one. This statement encapsulates how people suddenly go crazy when exposed to a certain access to power. Defending the indefensible when queried on Buhari’s health status, Onochie showed she is definitely not to be trusted or respected.
Did we leave anyone out?
The writer tweets from @drwill20.
Wilfred Okiche is a medic, reader, writer, journalist, culture critic, and occasional ruffler of feathers. One of the most influential critics working in the Nigerian culture space, his writing has appeared extensively in platforms like YNaija.com and 360nobs.com. Okiche has provided editorial assistance to the UK Guardian and has had his work published in African Arguments, Africa is a Country and South Africa’s City Press. He has received trainings and acquired experience in multimedia and online journalism. He also appears on the culture television show, Africana Literati. He has participated at critic programs in Lagos, Durban and Rotterdam.