It’s the last Freaky Friday of the year and the threads are rolling in. This one is hilarious as heck and goes to prove… I’m not sure it what it proves. Just read and enjoy:

This is a story of how one babe wanted to kill me with sexual enjoyment.

Brothers, stay woke.Forget forming coitus Jagaban and Igodo part 1: conqueror of the evil forest.There are some babes you'll Jam, you sef go believe.

Issa Thread

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

It is sad, that like my last thread, this one also begins with Progress.

I was in my room, in final year, when he comes in and says we should go hangout and drink because "you know. No beer in heaven

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Baba had invited a babe and she was coming with her friend (private uni babe on hols) whom he wanted me to meet, say na my spec. I agreed when he showed me the friend's picture cos the babe was confirmed doctor's prescription and Lord knows I was not feeling fine

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Got to Eismann, saw the babe and Blood of Nebuchadnezzar!!!  She was even better looking in person. I became worried like what will Progress want in return? What's wrong with the babe? Is she okay? But once we got talking, I was smitten. The babe make Sen(10)se. pic.twitter.com/2iUCNxXlD7

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Up next you know the usual: follow up. Calls, pings[bbm was the shit then]. We were flowing like river Niger but babe was giving me mixed signals. Today, we'll be sweet and all, next day she'll be all ' new phone who's this?'

?

We liked each other. So kilonshele gan gan

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

One cool evening, we strolled to Love garden, picked one serene spot and I laid it all down.

"Why don't you want me? Is it my Big head? Don't you like me? Is it another guy? Tell me"

All of this i said with the best 'why are you wickeding me like this face i could muster pic.twitter.com/S6BqIgNhFY

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Men as i was telling it all, babe bowed her head. You know when your talk don dey enter the white blood cells. I was deeply convinced my breakthrough was here. My miracle was on the way. That finally ?favour is my name?

She lifted her face nd looked me straight in the eye.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Men for like three minutes babe just dey look me for eye. I was afraid men. At a point, be like her eye wanted to be changing color to indigo.

Ha! God abeg o! Na just small love we wan love which kind an eye for an eye staring contest be this?

Next thing she said.

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Steve let's just be friends. You can't handle what i bring to the table. It's been a problem with other guys. Pls.

My spirit man was like pic.twitter.com/T2MN0mHUiF

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

I had not recovered 4rm dat 1 wen she said

'For dis to work, tell me. Are you sure? Really sure You're great in bed'

Hei? dis babe has touched the tail of not one but two Lions. Me? A sexual Vuga. An intercoursal IGODO? Mr all Night Long? Kai see question

In response,

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

I held her gaze for like 7mins instead of d 3mins she did. B4 speaking, i ensured my eye had changed to red [ her fada! All of us sabi form look] pic.twitter.com/hCJADA2flB

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Then I said something romantic, along the lines of I wanted her more than her body. Blah blah.yada yada

But in my realest of real mind. I'm like U! Iwo! Ah! You wee see cameroon pepper.

You wee smeh ya yansh pic.twitter.com/YarDQNU9gS

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

We kissed
Relationship started.

I had tried to form let's not rush things so it won't look like the sex was what i was after.

But sis showed up at my house one weather for 2 day like Destiny can be delayed not denied.

Enough of this waiting. pic.twitter.com/yD9FJeq11o

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

From kissing then came Bolaji aka B.J. she worked her black magic repete making me shed a tear like a child whose caprisonne they collected

I too returned the favor and ate a full plate of Isiewu. Amem somebody? Emem

Then it Began. pic.twitter.com/CxQpMl7UfR

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

I knew there was problem wen smtin we started at 10, by 4am, afta i had cum abi arrived almost 3ce, i realised madam had not even left her bustop yet.

To make matters worse, tired as I was, small touch here nd there she did, it rose again.

Homaigot!

What a betrayal penis pic.twitter.com/a8Y7pguOop

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

I was dying

But babe kept riding me kpacha kpacha kpacha like those old ladies bicycle.

To worsen things. Morning no gree reach. My village people ensured we had longer 9t shorter day, cos after wat seemed like 10hours of riding it was just 5.22

Kee me plix pic.twitter.com/8S0GM7XwHw

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Later when we switched positions, Aunty was shouting. I'm cumming, I'm coming 4 u baby'

Meanwhile me In my mind I'm like aunty I'm Going o. Going going gone too soon

I could my headstone clearly

Here lies a man who died on Top[ nd world people will think i died a great man]

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

7am hand don begin touch me. Her mouth heading 4 my nether region to christen me Bolaji again.

FUNKE! I shouted.

And dis my people was my life 4 the next month. Day and 9t.

I go lecture come back; sex
Our eyes jam; We mekwe

She hear se. B4 you complete it as seconds; mekwe pic.twitter.com/vlOFCfvOnQ

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

We go downstairs go buy something.when we return we congratulate ourself with sex.

We dey wait for water for tea to boil. We wait with sex.

Babe had excess energy,drive,zeal,passion and ambition for sex like who drink Alomo plus monkey tail, the shoulder, heart and kidney. pic.twitter.com/qgXE9nKgBu

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Omo i was slimming down.

People will see me like, man this your final yr project is taking its toll on you oh.

At a point i was even praying to see my period.maybe madam will free me

I'm like lawd pls.
Let this bucket/Drum pass over me.
I'm someone's shild for gossakes. pic.twitter.com/wPvKuzTVrY

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Babe even came 1 day like boo let's spice things up. Let's take weed.

I'm like see your patience ozokwor village aunty face.

Ogun! Of spice kee you dia!

Ordinary feels lyk who took Spanish fly. Now u wnt 2 add weed nd unleash d full spanish animal kingdom ba? pic.twitter.com/0pJjO0b2YT

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Wen I knew dis nonsense mst stop was wen we went 2 fellowship nd topic was fornication.Babe looked so remorseful

My shock wen we got back nd babe was like boo, kitty's back needs scratching.

Ahn! ahn! the word neva scratch kitty reach?

Kitty wen just come from church? pic.twitter.com/0nnxPowrl2

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Afta a month and of everyday sex babe was finally leaving for school in a week

My spirit man shouted a victorious cha cha cha igbo kwenu

But before she left,

She wanted to do it everywhere nd way.People style, doggy style nd believe me tortoise get style; she showed me

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017

Man! when she left for school, after a while, had to hit her with the it's not you it's me line.Even Jaguda get Oga.

I cannot cum and go and kee myself.

Also called Progress like guy 4 your full life no ever say you see my spec again. Tueh! Animal!

If you ever try am eh ? pic.twitter.com/Wu7PoGKcor

— Uncle Stephen (@ItsUncleStephen) December 28, 2017