I don’t want children.
And it’s not because I am an evil, baby hating Wicked Witch of the West. I don’t hate children, but I don’t particularly like them either. I’d much rather be the cool auntie who drops by with a Birkin tote brimming with toys, candy, and a bunch of whatever nonsense children are obsessed with nowadays, than be the harassed, dry faced, stressed out, exasperated mother trying to control a recalcitrant child and apologizing to everyone for her badly behaved offspring.
Heh. No thanks, you can keep all of that ma’am.
Now I am not suggesting that motherhood stresses out every woman who decides to birth a baby, or two, or five (are you crazy?), but let’s be real, a good amount of mothers, I want to say 80% – yes I pulled that figure out of my bra – secretly wish they could catch a break from their motherly duties every now and then. I don’t want to go through hours of agonizing and terrifying labor just to wake up one day, stare at my crying child, and realize that I may have made a horrid mistake. I think that would be terribly unfair to said child.
But I digress.
My baby fever is missing and everyone, but me, is worried. I haven’t had baby fever for as long as I could remember. I was certain that when I hit puberty and got dumped with these awful things called boobs, I would start seeing babies everywhere I turned. I imagined my ovaries would have their own 4th of July Fireworks Party in my belly and tears would well up in my eyes every time I walked by a stroller.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nada.
Ovaries are still relaxed and chilling outchea.
It didn’t happen for me. If anything, any moment I came across a particularly rowdy child, I instantly got irritated and threw conspicuous side-eyes at the mother. Control your child, woman!
I think my irritation says a lot about the type of mother I would be if, God forbid, I decided to have kids. I mean most women would smile sympathetically at a mother who was dealing with a screaming child – some may even offer tips – but I would get irate and contemplate if doing jail time was worth the joy I would get from smacking the child.
Eek! This is not looking good folks.
I see children as that expensive piece of furniture in your home that you don’t need – all those plush pillows for that one couch that nobody is even allowed to sit on? Come on – but you buy it because people expect you to have it and, for some odd reason, you feel as if your home will be incomplete without it. Seems crazy right? Right. I’ve had people tell me that a child will make me feel complete.
I don’t think so.
I think a child will push me to the brink and make me a sleep deprived zombie. But whatever, do you.
Unpopular opinion: Children are expensive investments (that you could totally avoid, but I’m sleep tho). I calculated how much my parents have spent, over the years, putting my siblings and I through school and I basically got a migraine and had to stop. I respect them. They saw us as a worthy investment and shipped us off to schools in different countries around the world. My parents (still) believe we will get great jobs because of the great, expensive education we received, and pay them back for every back breaking, sweat soaked dollar (and naira) they spent on us.
But back to my baby fever, or lack thereof.
I’m bent on being a successful career woman. I want to be that fly-ass, stylish professor who wears Jimmy Choos to lectures and flies around the world reading poetry and drinking buttery Chardonnay.
Will a child get in the way of my Chardonnay drinking vision? Absolutely.
How could I truly enjoy my glass of wine when all I can think about is how the baby sitter might be stuffing my child into the laundry chute, or worse still, into the freezer? What if I have to pass on giving an amazing talk at a prestigious university because my 5 year old daughter wants me to attend her nonsensical ballet recital, or the snooze fest of a school play where she will probably only have two lines? Am I allowed to call my child selfish? Welp.
I am allowed to be selfish with my hard earned money (I am!). I want to pre-order Louboutin sandals instead of organic baby wipes. I want to eat at expensive restaurants three times a week instead of breast feeding an aggressive baby at two in the morning. I want to go for a jog at sunrise without worrying about my baby waking up and crawling out of her crib into my fireplace, or, falling out of an open window. These scenarios are exaggerated but anything can happen – Bruce Jenner did just transform into the surprisingly graceful Caitlyn Jenner in front of our eyes – I am not taking my chances. I digressed, but my point is, I don’t want to spend my money on raising a child. I have been called selfish because of my current mindset, but I’ve learned to power through the criticism:
- “Imagine if your parents decided not to have you!” – Have kids because my parents had me and therefore I owe them? Oh what a great reason to have children.
- “Well who will take care of you when you’re old and ailing” – I had no idea I was birthing future caretakers and nurses, but you know Nursing Homes do exist?
- “You’re a woman. You were created to have children” – I won’t even justify this with a response.
- “You’ll feel differently when you’re older.” – I didn’t want kids at 16. I am 24 now and I still don’t want them. Next.
- “When you see your friends with their children, you’ll change your mind.” – I literally will not.
- “Well, who is going to marry you if you don’t want kids.” – Lol.
I am salty because I have to deal with the weird stares, the judgmental statements, and the “no offense but” questions from women who want to birth a house full of kids. I don’t question women who want to be mothers, even though I could very well ask why they would want to trade in their freedom and happiness for a child who might will grow up to be an insolent, door slamming, back-talking teenager. But I don’t because I am nice it is not my place to question anyone’s decision, especially if said decision does not directly affect my life.
On a more serious note, I am not wishing for the slightest bit of baby fever for myself, but now I feel as if I need it to relate with the people who care so deeply about wanting children. I need the baby fever for my female friends who can’t help but smile at every drooling baby they happen upon; I want to ohhh and ahh with them. I want to talk about baby names, share the fears of impending motherhood and reassure them that they too will be great mothers. I am waiting for that moment where every thing will change. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and the need to have a child will hit me like a Brinks truck in reverse. Maybe I’ll fall in love with a man who will push me to change my mind and then proceed to put a bun in my unwilling oven. Or maybe, the fever will never hit me. Maybe my temperature will never spike with every child I meet.
I can be an aunty, a god-mother, a mentor, a friend – I can be anything really, except be a mother.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
Koromoneyyyy….I follow you on twitter. You definitely put me through a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes I think you’re my best friend in my head and other times…….well, lets just say I digress!
As an African woman, let me just say this is a very bold piece. Yes, Children are a gift from God but if you feel so strongly about not wanting to be a mother, I honestly don’t understand why anyone would think it’s in their place to call you selfish or whatever other names people may call you. But then again, this is Africa, “and you know, women were created by God to bear kids.” There has to be somewhere in the bible that says that’s our purpose in life, I think we’re just yet to find the passage.
I actually have a friend who feels exactly the same way you do about kids. This article would resonate strongly with her. I couldn’t understand it the first time she told me but the older I have gotten, the more tolerant I have become of peoples’ views, opinions and beliefs. I don’t have to agree with it, I just have to understand that we are all different people, not raming my view/belief/opinion down your throat.
You seem like a very nice person and I’m sure, one day, you’ll fall in love with a man who would help change alladat!
Btw, you really are an amazing writer.
Some people are pretty terrible at being mothers. I don’t understand why people are saying you should sit down and think about the joy kids bring. As if you would write such a post without being fully convinced. Motherhood is not for everyone. I personally cannot wait to have children. It’s ok for others to feel differently. My best friend has NEVER wanted kids and is quite happy to just be a godmother and babysit. She’s lovely with children but her plans for her life don’t include having any kids herself and that is totally fine.
@koro. I observed here that you only enumerated the challenges and troubles of child bearing. Pls sit down and ponder over the joy and blessing that comes with bearing a child. I think a positive and proper understandin of the issue will broaden and change your thinkin.
For me, the challenges outweigh the joy.
Koro, i would like to congratulate you for having the courage to write this piece. I personally have had baby fever for as long as I can remember and I have now been blessed with 2 children. But what motherhood has taught me is that if you feel it is not for you.. leave it.
Being a mother does require a lot of sacrifices and worries and time and commitment so if you are not prepared and/or willing for that, why should society pressure you to become a mother?
I say, better not to have any children than to be a neglectful parent
Honestly I love this article because you literally reached in my mouth and dragged the words out of it. Yeah children are a blessing but the contribution you give to the world can also be a blessing. look at Oprah, no kids but the woman is one of the best to come to the world and she blessed people with her gifts and GIFTS. People will twist your arm to have kids but won’t care about said child once it’s born. WILL YOU COME AND HELP ME RAISE THIS CHILD THAT YOU WANTED ME TO HAVE SO BADLY? Sometimes people don’t want to have kids cause they know that there will be other things that they have to focus on and will cause them not to give the child the proper care and attention that she or he deserves. So now when I bring a child into this fucked up world because of pressure and have no time for this child and she or he ends up messed up, the people that wanted you to have the child in the first place will be nowhere to be found, this child might even end up hating me for not giving it any attention and will now have mummy issues. Having a kid is not like buying a shoe or having a dog, it’s a life time commitment, theres no sleep for you once that child is born, your life is over once that child is born cause you’ll be worried every day time, and be having mini heart attacks up and down the road. Basically having a child is A HUGE FUCKING STEP. you have to be ready and prepared for that kind of commitment.
Personally I don’t like kids as well and I’m certainly not looking forward to having kids. So at least i can marry you lol.
But then again, your views here do sound very selfish (could be a Mis-interpretation of you just trying to get your point(s) across?)
Well, I’d say change is the only constant thing in life (you mentioned loving a guy changing your mind bla bla)
Lastly I do love this article, because they do mirror my thoughts and views too.
Yay marry me please!
I’ve been told I am selfish and tbh it could come across as that, but I think sometimes I’m well within my rights to not want children for the reasons I stated. But again, I’m not afraid of change, even when the change forces me to tweak my beliefs. woes.
Thanks for reading
Hahaha. I absolutely love this piece and your thoughts (obviously).
Valid points.
Funny too. Thank you Koro.
Thank you! <3
Can I reply from a faith angle? Isn’t “be fruitful & multiply” a commandment, sort of? I won’t say you’re selfish or any of that, you’ve obviously heard all that before and your mind seems to be made up. I just brought up faith because I follow you on social media and you seem to have identified with the Christian faith.
If it’s a commandment, then why don’t we all start having kids as soon as we hit puberty? We can produce and multiply na Abi? Common! Put things in its proper context!
As if the world isn’t overpopulated already lol. You no dey hear of global warming, emissions and stuffzzz?
lmao global warming is REAL.
I did address your comment on my twitter already. I don’t think my faith should guilt trip me into having children?
I love you, but I think this is you being selfish; as in not wanting to put another human before yourself.. But it’s what you want, so do you sister girl!
As much as it looks or sounds that way, it’s really not a joke at all raising a kid these days. Thankfully the article writer states practical scenarios of how/what it can be. It’s really not funny at all to be honest. It takes a whole lot physically,mentally,emotionally to raise a kid these days. And reading the article over and over again, I can infer the writer just isn’t ready at this point in time to go through all that (my opinion)
What really is the point having and raising kids when you simply can’t handle it ?
Just to please people? Culture? Society? Religion? Nah.
I wish you knew how many people I have put/put before myself for years. Plus if I get married, wouldn’t I be, on some level, putting my husband before myself?
So help u God,oloshi