by Adamu Aderinsola

Proverbs 18:2 Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.

Reuben oh Reuben, why art thou chosen to tread the path of foolishness? This was the question on my mind as I read with open-mouthed disbelief that 1800-long bullshit article former President Jonathan’s spokesman wrote on Big Brother Naija, a topic that should not even concern his type in the first place.

We really could have let this pass without dedicating any amount of attention to this almost-deluded individual: Reuben Abati. But no, we are invested in knocking common sense into this man’s head. As we explicitly said here, it’s very alright to call an elder to order even if we can’t call him foolish to his face.

So Uncle Reuben, you’ve gotten our attention and that of thousands of Nigerians who were unfortunate to come across your article. Here are 7 nonsensical things you said in your trash piece that should never have made it out of your Documents folder.

1. “The finale was a bit overdone though, dragged out, over-delayed. Tiwa Savage (hey baby, watch that growing fat around your waist and thigh), Tuface (thanks TuBaba but next time tell Annie to twerk for us- what was that!).”

This man really just asked another man to ask his wife to twerk for his own viewing pleasure. We’re yet to see a worst pervert. And he was really staring at Tiwa Savage’s thighs? Low, too low.

2. “What just ended as Big Brother Naija 2017 was nothing other than the corralling of some human beings into a zoo, pressured to behave like nothing but animals. The organisers made money devaluing other human beings. Multichoice and Payporte, the sponsors, turned alcohol and pornography into legitimate sport.”

So essentially, all 14 housemates according to the all-knowing Reuben are animals

3. “One lady threatened to commit suicide if Efe did not win. Another one said she would not stop crying until Efe won.”

All of these were bants. Young people know that, it was never that serious for anyone, stop overanalyzing things.

4. “The biggest star of the programme was, I don’t know what you think, TBOSS (real name: Tokunbo Idowu), half Nigerian, half-Romanian. She dominated the space with her Jezebelic antics, even got some of the male participants ousted by entrapping and outsmarting them with her sexual wiles. She projected herself as a sex object, the ultimate manipulator, the champion Delilah of the Big Brother Africa series.”

Jezebel? Delilah? sex object?

5. “TBOSS, who claimed she didn’t need the money even exposed her breasts on live television more than once. I have seen better breasts, TBOSS. I am not too sure those private jet owners will be excited by your fluffy, South-looking, slightly bigger than mangoes breasts. If the same men see bigger assets, I mean, those interesting Ojiakor-like ones that look like papayas, pineapples and watermelons, they will not send private jets, they will deploy submarines and fighter jets!”

How is this anyone’s father, husband and friend? Your family should be ashamed of you.

6. “In one week, over 11 million persons voted to determine the eviction. In the final week of the programme, over 24 million persons voted – that is more than the total number of persons who voted in the Nigerian Presidential election in 2015.”

Liar or just ignorant? 11 million persons did not vote, 11 million votes were recorded. And no, more than 24 million persons actually voted in the Nigerian Presidential election in 2015. How does this man not know this?

7. “I rate the theatre high but I consider the whole show a sham, a 419 manipulative effort by a corporate agency, long overdue for an ethical review and scrutiny, a bad influence on corporate ethics. The owners of the programme are just a bunch of insultive, manipulative and exploitative capitalists, feeding on public need for distraction and the negligence of the authorities.”

Everything that describes the administration Reuben was part of and brazenly defended until he got kicked back to his personal library, hence this struggle to remain relevant. You failed man.

 

We hope the gods will smile down on Reuben and release a dose of wisdom, however little it is.