by ‘Yemi Ajala

“Will you marry me”? He asked as he got down on his knees, beaming his most devastating smile at her. Sade smiled and said “On one condition. You take a lie detector test and I will be the one to administer it”

His jaws dropped to the floor and he looked at her through a set of surprised eyes. “Sade, what do you mean? Do you mean you don’t trust me again ni? What kind of nonsense…”

“I used to trust you” She cut him short

“What?!” Deji’s shot up to his feet. “What do you mean you used to trust me?” Deji moved closer to her as he spoke, as he was wont to do to shorter people when pissed off.

Sade took a step back and raised her head to look him eye-to-eye.” I mean I used to trust you until I joined Twitter. Now, I don’t trust you anymore. For the sake of the years we have been together though, I’m willing to marry you on that condition”

Deji clapped his hand rhythmically three times in disgust and spoke as if addressing an audience though they were the only people in the room. “This life is a pot of beans. Where would she get a lie detector in Nigeria, not to talk of knowing how to use one? And when did she start using twitter sef? I forced her to join two years ago and she has not been tweeting ooo. She has…”

“…some feminists like @floflash and @Rinsola_Abiola abi?” cuts in Deji “Look lemme tell you, those feministic nonsense should never enter your head ooo. They are not practical…”

“When you finish talking to your imaginary friends, like RoyalAmebo and other Catfishes, You will face me, the living sardine in front of you and will ask me the reasons why I said I can’t trust you any more”

“Oya, I’m listening. I know that your twitter account has not been active since a year ago, so tell me who is catfish and who is the Amebo.”

Sade took a deep breath and started “It all started with Tosin telling me a gist about one Twitter-Celeb that impregnated many twiiter babes at about the same time. She didn’t know who it was but after I pestered her, she called someone who called someone who knew who it was. I’m sure you know it’s that your friend that got married this year. That was when I knew I must join to protect my interest, which is you. However, I had forgotten my password and I didn’t wanna ask you ‘cause you will just yab me, so I opened another account. I followed Tosin’s advice though, so I didn’t use my name. I even used a younger cousin’s pictures as my avis and started following you. I asked for a follow back and you granted it. I started following…”

“…some feminists like @floflash and @Rinsola_Abiola abi?” cuts in Deji “Look lemme tell you, those feministic nonsense should never enter your head ooo. They are not practical…”

“So they are the ones that have been setting P on your behalf abi?!” she yelled at him, her body pulsing like a volcano just about to erupt. Deji sat down as she continued “You even had the effrontery to be setting P with me! I thank that @sagaysagay with that his “Direct Mention” series on his blog because he was the one that made me understand how your friend could have gotten away with it. That was when I started making connections and I have proof that you’ve continued from where your friend has stopped. Was it not your cousin that offered one Nicky girl to come to Akure for one weekend which corresponds to the time you said you had training in Abuja and you were driving there? Abeg abeg, don’t even let me start counting the girls I know for certain that you set P with directly. Or you think I didn’t know that you also set P with RoyalAmebo?! Just state if you are willing to take the test and I will worry about getting the machine and making use of it. Youtube has been a very good friend to me. If you don’t take the test, no problem. I will still marry next year. I will say yes to @heisneron’s P. He’s very awkward in P-setting which is what gives me assurance that he would be faithful and won’t set with another person once we are together. His heart is true. Unlike yours that is a pot of rotten beans”
Deji’s raised his head slowly and looked at Sade, who was resting on her left leg, shaking her right leg and with arms akimbo. He shook his head in a sorrowful manner and stood up and made to leave the sitting room, looking round at the elaborate romantic set-up he had rigged for his proposal. The candle lights meant to provide a romantic mood now seems to be waver as they sing a dirge to their relationship. As he got to the door, he spat words at her and said “All you females are bitches!”

“Ehn, Which breed is your mother?!”

P.S. Sade is recuperating at the Intensive care unit of LUTH while Deji’s attempted murder charge case is coming up for mention on January 6, 2014. @ayosogunro is his lawyer.

Caveat: This is purely a work of fiction using real people as pillars. Any coincidence to actual event is hereby rejected but not regretted. #Dazzall

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This article was published with permission with permission from the author and was first published on www.AjalaYemi.wordpress.com