Nkiru Njoku: Dear persons in love, these are the signs of obsession

by Nkiru Njoku

 

“Dear person(s) in love,

You cannot own another human being.

No matter how deep you perceive your feelings for another person to be, and vice versa, you do not own them.

Even if they were to declare to you in the throes of passion that you are the owner of their soul, brethren, this is not true in practical terms.

Sweet nothings are just that – sweet NOTHINGS.

Please leave sweet nothings in the atmosphere of passion where they belong. Accept them as expressions of deep feelings which may be real, but do not take them literally.

When you experience extreme emotional distress at the thought of your love interest being the love interest of another, brethren, pause.

When you feel as if your life is actually going to end, or that you are worth nothing if this person were to be ‘taken away’ from you, brethren, pause.

When you cannot eat, you cannot sleep, you cannot concentrate on anything else for long periods of time because of the fear of this person being separated from you, brethren, pause.

There is a condition called Dependent Personality Disorder.

I’m not dissing you.

I’m not calling you ‘mad’.

I’m telling you that it is not healthy when you can only feel complete when you are ‘sure’ that this person will never leave you.

I’m telling you that when your day is upside down because this person didn’t take your calls (for valid reasons and not because they were likely in an accident or something), brethren, pause.

***********

Many people are prone to anxiety disorders and they are not even aware. When such people have emotional-dependence issues too, the mix can look like love and devotion, but I’m telling you today that this isn’t so.

It is not love when a person needs to know every damn thing that passes in conversation with every damn person they believe you are ‘too friendly’ with.

It is not love when a person wants to spend every single moment with you ONLY BECAUSE they cannot bear the thought of you spending one minute in the company of a possible ‘rival’.

It is not love when a person calls all your friends and badgers them about the minutiae of your conversations and physical meetings with them.

If you find yourself feeling and acting in the ways described above, then you need to pay more attention to yourself as a person.

You are worthy. You are complete. Whether that person pays you equal attention or not, whether they love you back or not, you are a human being who is valid and you need to attempt falling in love with yourself ASAP.

If you do not love yourself, I mean actively love yourself, then you cannot really love another person.

Love requires space.

Love requires being able to let people live their lives without you being in their hair or breathing down their necks.

If you do not love yourself enough to be by yourself and enjoy your life without a physical or emotional need to be with this other person every passing second, then you will always need them.

But the question is – are they needing you in the same way? If they aren’t, then what you’ll conclude you’re experiencing is unrequited love. But no, you aren’t giving love, so you cannot expect it back. What you are giving is more likely obsession and there is nothing cute about it.

If your partner encourages you to be possessive or obsessive then you are both dealing with some major trouble.

When a person needs to be possessed and obsessed over in order to feel loved, then they are lacking in self-love as well and may also be dealing with other disorders which you aren’t aware of. Then they become equally emotionally dependent in a way that’s potentially damaging.

You will both feed off each other and this is a recipe for toxicity.

Toxic = poisonous.

There is nothing good about poisonous romantic associations.

Nothing.

NOT A THING.

**********

I’m no doctor. I’m just a writer with some time to spare. So please do not take my word for it when examining this issue.

Do not scoff at it either. It is a serious matter.

Go ahead and have a conversation with a doctor of mental health or a psychologist. If you feel embarrassed at having to admit to another human being that you are probably emotionally dependent and you experience irrational bouts of jealousy, then please go ahead and use the internet.

Go to Google and read up about this. You may be saving your life and another’s.

Nobody’s love is worth killing for. Whether it’s them you’re killing, or yourself.

Love does not encourage bloodshed.

Irrationality does.

If your love makes you feel like killing yourself or another, seek help, FAST.

I wish you well.

xx”


Op–ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija

 Nk’iru Njoku is a screen writer. She is the head writer of Tinsel, the longest-running TV series in Nigeria. She is also the head content producer of MTN project fame Africa.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail