by Chris Bamidele
I know I promised myself not to write about relationship or anything remotely connected to it. But I guess relationship talks are not something you can just wish away; the talk will somehow crop up, either on social media or with our buddies. So when I woke up today and got on Walter’s blog to read a couple of stuff, and I stumbled on a particular post (the writer called it admonition) I had an opinion – again. and since I wouldn’t want to leave an epistle as a comment on someone else’s blog, I had to do a post. The title of the post I read on Walter’s blog is “THE THINGS THEY SAY…ABOUT CHRISTIANS AND SEX” and it was written from a woman’s angle, so I believe the writer is a woman, but I cannot tell if she is married or not. I will quote some of her points, I will paraphrase some, and then I will give my opinion.
She started by talking about how a character in a ‘Christian’ Nollywood movie she watched, advised another character (her friend) to cover herself with the blood of Jesus anytime she has to have sex with her unrepentantly promiscuous husband as a “preventive” measure against STIs and highly possible HIV. Then she wrote that she sampled the opinion with other women and a good number of them agreed with the advice and according to her, thank God her jaws were fixed; if not, her mouth would have been lying on the ground probably from the attendant shock.
Now here is her advice verbatim, “Dear sister of mine, I don’t give two rats left ears what your Pastor said about “owing” your husband sex. You don’t! Marriage is a contract and one of its terms is fidelity between a husband and a wife. If your man is making a habit of housing his koboko in different containers, protect yourself with condoms or stop sleeping with him. I said, I don’t care a twit what your so-called Christian brothers and sisters mean by saying you cannot stop sleeping with him unless by agreement. Did he agree with you before breaking those vows of fidelity?”
“When you catch and die of HIV, they won’t be there to raise your children as you would have. The highest eulogy you’ll get is “Eh yaaah! Poor woman…so young…”
That pastor will stand at your tomb and intone, “God giveth and God taketh…” Which God?
God giveth commonsense – USE IT!
Condoms are not of the devil – BUY THEM!
You can survive without sex – STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM”
Now, it seems our dear counselor gave 4 perfect “tips to deal” to a married woman whose husband is an “unrepentant” cheater.
(1) If you have any common sense; stop sleeping with him.
(2) If your common sense is having some ‘guilty conscience'; pity him and sleep with him but you must buy a condom.
(3) I don’t care how you would do it, and it doesn’t matter how, just make him use the condom whether he likes it or not.
(4) If 2 and 3 do not work for him, revert to 1.
And then all your marriage problems are gone – solved. Peace will suddenly return, and you will suddenly have a good home and a model marriage. How easy?
I agree completely when the writer said “marriage is a contract, and one of its terms is fidelity between husband and wife” but truth is fidelity as conjugal faithfulness cannot stand on its own. I am not trying to make any excuse for a cheater, and I believe the reason behind the cheating is not as important as cheating itself; because for me, when you cheat on your married partner, there is no reason enough to justify the action. But life is always about causes and effects. If you always treat the effect without identifying the cause and try to correct it, you might find yourself in an unending circle, a maze, a labyrinth that will leave you perpetually bewildered.
I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage or any issue, and truth is nobody is. We only have a perspective or a few, from our experiences and other people’s experiences. And since no two relationships or marriages are exactly alike, your knowledge would be stunted if your own relationship or marriage is the only experience you draw out from.
Truth is most marriages fail before the couples tie the knot – better believe it. You will be surprised if people could tell you the truth as to why they are getting married to their partners, but nobody will. We all pretend to be fine, since he is a brother in the church, he has a good job and drive a nice car, and she is a sister in the choir with the angelic voice and the body of a goddess; everything should be fine, but you see, everything is not fine. Most churches these days only teach abstinence, and being born again (The Nigerian way) once a brother passes the abstinence test, and he is ‘born again'; he is good enough to be your husband. And once a sister does not wear those skimpy clothes and she prays in tongues, she is the will of the Lord for any church brother. But for people outside the church, it’s a bit different. As a guy, you need to have swag, 6 packs, you have to be tall and handsome, you know kind of Idris Elba look-alike, then you need to have a very nice ride with a nice job and a cozy apartment, you also need to be a horse in bed, and make your woman cum regularly, then you are a husband material. And as a lady, you need to be a ‘lady’ (I don’t know what it means) have a good job, slim, fair in complexion or have Lupita’s skin, graceful steps all the way, know your way around the kitchen and then in bed. Hmmm, I think people outside the “church” are more creative, don’t you think?
So, my first question is: is the man you are taking as your ‘faithful’ husband, faithful to you in your relationship? Oh! He was cheating on his girlfriend with you, then he upgraded you to the status of the main chic and you think you have won the battle? My dear, you won the war, the battle continues.
Marriage is a contract, a very big one, and it lasts for a lifetime (supposedly) so what are we doing wrong? Let’s see some terms of the contracts as contained in a traditional marriage vow which we read in part in our marriage ceremonies. “I, (name), take you, (name), to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live”
So, my first question is: is the man you are taking as your ‘faithful’ husband, faithful to you in your relationship? Oh! He was cheating on his girlfriend with you, then he upgraded you to the status of the main chic and you think you have won the battle? My dear, you won the war, the battle continues. Don’t get me wrong, people change, they meet someone and their life takes a different turn. But you know he cheats, and he would not stop, he would not change, and you expect the ring or the ceremony on that Saturday to change him. You are asking for too much my sister. A chronic cheat in a relationship will become an unrepentant cheat in a marriage.
Another question is: are you faithful yourself in sickness and in health? Do you love him in bad times and good times or just in good times alone? When he was having some challenges at work or that time he was out of job, did you not ask him to forget about sex and think of how to be “a man” again? When he had this lovely business idea, and was considering resigning from his paid job and launch out, did you support him or did you shoot him down and make him feel little and foolish? Now some woman out there supports his goals, listens to him talk, shares his burden, encourages him, and now you put all the blame on him when he sleeps with that woman? Remember the law of causes and effects. This is not Dettol advert.
Another question: do you honour and respect your husband? Now, Naija feminist will pick up arms against me and ask if the man should not respect and honour his wife as well. But you see, women and even feminists respect their Pastors more than their husbands, and will do anything the Pastor asks them to do, meanwhile he doesn’t give a damn about what they think. I always say to married women that if they could show their husbands, 50% of respect, honour and patience they have for their pastors, marriages in this part of the world will have fewer problems to sort out. But the husband is their equal, and the Pastor is far above. You relate with him like he is your houseboy and someone else relates with him like he is a king, what do you expect? I tweeted about a couple I listened to few days back. The wife insisted that sex is not food, so the man must be contented with having sex once or twice in a month because she doesn’t like sex. So, I asked, Do you think they play Ludo in marriage? they screw in marriage and pretty well too. Lol
Am I giving reasons for men to cheat? No, I would never do that. But when something that was almost perfect gets broken, you try and fix it, and not throw it away. When you stop sleeping with your husband (who was never a cheat before you married him but he is now suddenly cheating) just because you CAN survive without sex and he CANNOT, you are adding to the problem, not fixing it. If you knowingly married a chronic cheat all because he is handsome and rich and you are hoping you being a good wife to him, or him wearing that wedding band would change him, I am happy to announce to you that your struggle aiin’t over yet, keep at it. But if your husband who has been faithful since you were dating suddenly starts cheating in marriage, and you have proof of it; have a talk with him, if he confesses and possibly promises to change his ways, you can both decide that he must go for STDs check before you can start sleeping together again. If he refuses to change, you can decide to move into the guest room or let him know you won’t be having sex with him till the issues are sorted, or speak to a counselor that would tell you what to do next. But if you just ‘lock up’ and decide within yourself not to give him sex anymore till he probably begs for it, what you are saying is that your own 30-something year old Veejay is covered in honey and spice while the 23 year old veejay he is shagging outside is not. And someday, he would miss your honey and spicy veejay and come back begging for it, and become a changed man once he realizes what he is missing. it doesn’t happen that way. So communicate, fix things, find solution, and don’t just lock up and hope everything will go away.
Space will not permit me to write more on this subject, but you can raise or ask anything in the comment section and I will surely answer. Don’t get me wrong, a cheat is a cheat no matter what you do or fail to do. But don’t encourage your otherwise faithful husband to cheat. By the way, wives cheat too, and some husbands contribute to why they cheat, I wrote about it sometimes ago, Read it HERE. Stay Safe.
Chris Bamidele blogs at ChrisBamidele.wordpress.com and tweets @degreatest2
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.